wordless

I K I S S E D T H E M O O N L A S T N I G H T. S H E R E S T E D, P A L E, O N M Y F L O O R U N T I L I E N T E R E D. I S O U G H T S L E E P I N M Y D A R K R O O M, L I T B Y H E R S T I L L P R E S E N C E. B E L O N G I N G T O T H E N I G H T O U T S I D E, S H E C R E P T T H R O U G H M Y W I N D O W, C U R I O U S A N D E A G E R T O T O U C H M Y S I L E N T V I O L I N. T H E W I S D O M S H E H A D G A I N E D F R O M W A T C H I N G N E V E R E X P L A I N E D T H E M A G I C S O U N D S S H E H E A R D, S H E W I S H E D T O S I N G, E V E N A S I M P L E C R I C K E T S O N G W O U L D D O. I F O U N D H E R O N M Y F L O O R.
I D A R E D H E R N O T T O B E A F R A I D. S H E A N D I, B O T H S I L E N T, B O T H U N N E R V E D B Y M U S I C B U T N E I T H E R A B L E T O C O N T R O L T H E M U S I C S O A D O R E D. B O T H P A LE, N E I T H E R T I R E D. I L O S T M Y S E L F I N M I D N I G H T M O O N L I G H T, I K I S S E D T H E M O O N.

My penny

So I'm at Rachel's house, back for the month of break. I've gone from 28 degree weather to 48, a nice change. Basically I wear fewer layers when I head out and don't shiver as I walk. It seems to be a month of difficult conversations, with parents, siblings, friends. A lot has been building up over the last few months and culminated into a need for words and communication.
I found a penny today, while visiting my old high school. I had wandered the premises and returned slightly disheveled. About to open my car I noticed the shape in the damp earth, but the copper had dulled so that it matched the ground. I picked it up, ever nervous that it would be face down, I'd had bad luck with penny's lately. Fortunately heads was up. Content, I searched for a date, but the penny was too worn to read, I could hardly see the face, only the building on the back was prominent. I pocketed the grimy penny and continued on my day, only remembering it when my hand drifted to my pocket and I rubbed the coin.
I think life will get better if I let it. I'm going to believe in the luck of a penny, because eventually the last barrier to happiness is yourself. I'll figure out what makes me happy, if I can, and I'll do that. If I can't, I'll smile as I do whatever I do. Even if it's just recovering a lost penny.

When you wear a red hat...

I'm in the midst of finals with two six pg. essays due tomorrow by 2 pm, and not a word yet written. So, I'll only write a brief blog today.
In the library today, as I roamed the shelves to leave, I stopped at Nietzche. It was a two-shelf section. And there in the middle, on the 2nd shelf, was Higgins' "Comic Relief". Heh. (I must buy many copies of that book and distribute them across the country in serious or depressing sections of libraries and bookstores).
I used to know I'd had a good day by the number of scabs and bruises I'd earned (climbing trees, taking risks, falling down). Now the war scars (life scars) take the form of ink stains on my hands and arms, and flour on my nose.

Got my list

The white silhouette of a familiar landscape. In the reflected sunlight snow melts, dripping from the thin branches. The leafless trees, whose furthest branches bow beneath the white weight, shiver in the wind. Children- college students- dart through the cold, breakfast and work motivate their speed. Alone in my room and choreless, I'm not yet cold but dread my emmersion.
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Rousseau with breakfast
Freezing fingers ruffle French news
Christmas noise surrounds me

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Life's unpredictable: some days it works. Some days are difficult to get through. With college a day lasts a week, I get to feel defeated and invincible on the same day. Directing feels wonderful, I'm working on a 10 minute original work for a short plays festival. My vision has been realized, and nobody's laughed, pointed and said "you're not a director." I have hope.
In general: hope for the holidays, for my future, for my present. Hope for my friends. Hope for my family. Hope for all the music that has found it's way into my life. The future seems especially cloudy these days (even each tomorrow is very unpredictable), it's becoming easier to appreciate that, rather than dread it.